When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
