Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Randomize
