tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
