Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
