I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
