There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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