I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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