Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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