dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
