Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I think pants incapable of making pants work
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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