Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
