if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
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