Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Never joke about your clitoris.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
