I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
