So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
