He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
