i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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