I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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