her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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