Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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