do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
