By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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