I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
