i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
