he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
If its not for food we ain't going out.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
