"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
