to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
