nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
