burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
