listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
do nipples grow back?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
