Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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