How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
