This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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