My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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