spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
