if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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