He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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