I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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