enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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