Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
