Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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