i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
