Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
