After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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