i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
