i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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