i was born a porn star she said
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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