My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
