I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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