butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
