I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize