Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Randomize
