They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
